“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” –Corrie Ten Boom
I am totally starving to death! I’m so hungry, I could literally eat anything….and I mean anything. I have spent the entire day drinking only clear liquids, and having the occasional banana popsicle and half of a bowl of orange jello. I find myself imagining that I’ve just had the juiciest steak and steaming hot baked potato with melted butter running down the sides. I pretend I’m full to the brim with deliciousness. But, it doesn’t really work. I know my belly is totally empty and craving just the smallest saltine cracker! But, I have to deny, deny, and deny once more. Blah!
This is NOT normal for me, but it’s doctor’s orders. I’m having some tests done, and it’s part of the whole “prep” thing. This prep STINKS! I really, and I mean REALLY like food, but I’ve been having some tummy issues lately. Its just time that I’ve got to get them checked out. I actually have had tummy issues my entire life, but they have gotten worse the older I get. It seems like issues do that…you know, get worse the older we get.
If I were to be completely and utterly transparent, I’m scared. This whole thing scares me. Don’t get me wrong; the procedure doesn’t make me nervous. But, the results do. What if they are life changing? What if they find something that can’t be treated? What if they do? What if they don’t find anything at all? Then what?
Of course, me being me, I did the most terrible thing you could possibly do when you are having medical issues. I looked online and searched my symptoms. WHY???!?!?!?! Why did I do this to myself?? All I saw were things that were awful. But, what was I looking for?? I guess I was looking for some article that told me they had the exact same symptoms and it all turned out ok! But, of course, there is no such article. The only articles I found pretty much told me that it was worse case scenario. I should start counting my days, and getting my affairs in order. Ok… now that’s being a little over dramatic I confess, but that’s how it felt! And, I to make matters worse, I did it late at night in bed, right before I went to sleep. So, now, I could think of it all…night… long……
I was totally filled with anxiety, and all of the “What If” questions filled my mind. You know, we’ve all been there. Those times when we allow the deepest and darkest feelings to be felt. They can wrap around even the strongest of people and choke out faith if we allow them to. I allowed those images of my family to fill my mind…you know the worst of the worst. I allowed myself the thought of my children having to grow up without me around. What would that look like? What if I couldn’t see them graduate, or get married? What if I would never get to witness them be parents, and participate in their life from that perspective? How could they handle it? What would my husband do? How would this change his life? Before I knew it, I was crying silent tears (so I wouldn’t wake up my husband sleeping next to me). I knew this was silly that I had chosen to travel down that road. I knew it really wasn’t healthy, but I kinda couldn’t help it.
I decided I didn’t like visiting that place of sadness. It made me feel terrible and full of angst! Did it change anything? Did it help the situation at all? No! All it did was take my eyes off of Jesus, and it also stole my hope. And, hope is what I needed. Plus, you have to remember; I’ve totally psyched myself out at this point. I’m sure the Lord was thinking, “Shannon, why have you done this to yourself? Take it easy.”
So, I decided to pray. I prayed for my body. I prayed for my health. I prayed for my attitude. I prayed for the ability to accept the outcome…no matter what. The no matter what part was the key to that prayer. And, then I prayed a prayer of gratefulness. Grateful for what I had been given, and grateful that I have a Heavenly Father who has got my back.
I started thinking about when Jesus walked on the water, and Peter really wanted to get out and meet him. Peter has all this faith. He gets out of the boat, and actually begins to walk on the water. But, just like life, the wind started to pick up and Peter got scared and started to sink. But, here’s the part that I really like. Jesus didn’t pluck Peter of the water with a wave of his hand and magically float him back to safety. He didn’t even make the wind stop until they climbed back into the boat. He went to Peter, and met him where he was sinking, then reached out to him to save him. I totally love that.
It made me think of my situation. Here I am in my storm. The wind is picking up, and I’m getting nervous. But, although Jesus has all authority to quiet the storm, He doesn’t. Instead He meets me in my storm, and helps me through it. He always will. If Jesus always took the storm away, we would never learn from it. And, we wouldn’t need to depend on Him.
If you are in a storm in your life right now, maybe its health like me, or something else. Depend on Jesus. Call upon His name. Loving Jesus doesn’t guarantee smooth sailing; there will be bumpy rides. But, He promises to meet you where you are and help you as you navigate your way.
“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1